Pouring My Heart Out to You

Have you ever reread stuff you’ve written and thought, “I thought of that?” or “I wrote that?” I was rereading some of the blogs I’d written on here years ago and one thing stuck out to me. It was exactly what I needed to read and it was almost as if I’d written it to myself knowing I’d need it in the future. Here’s what I had written…

To find peace, we have to go through sorrow…

To find love, we may go through pain…

To find change, we must fix our mistakes…

To find Christ, we must surrender…

To find life, we must live without holding back…

To find direction, we must be willing to listen…

Every sentence is exactly what I needed to hear and its exactly what I’m struggling with.

The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions, lack of direction and a misguided sense of love and what it is to me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in these past few months that I’d rather say I didn’t do, but as we all know you can’t go back and change what’s been done…you can only move on and make changes so that you don’t repeat them.

During these past months I’ve realized how rather than running to God, the one person who loves me more than anything, I ran to people who I thought would “love” me only to be disappointed, hurt and hurt others in the process. It wasn’t until an anxiety attack I had at 3 am this morning for God to pull so tight on my heart strings to collapse into His arms and fully surrender. As I was reading my devotional the first line said, “I WANT YOU TO BE ALL MINE.” I don’t think God could have made that any clearer. It was as if I could finally see what I needed; as if my eyes had been reopened; as if time had stopped in that very moment just so I could read that. I stared at that line for a while before continuing to read, but as I continued to read, that line kept playing over in my head. It was finally time…not just surrender part of me or everything except this one thing because it was my secret…but fully surrendering leaving nothing behind and becoming completely broken. This means starting counseling again, finding an accountability partner, and not giving in to the temptations I know I continually rationalize with myself on; to let go and let God be my center, not people.

I feel very weak at this moment but I’d rather feel weak and be completely honest with myself and others than pretend to be strong and be fake. I’m only human, and a lot of times I try not to be…I try to be more. But I know the more human I am, the more God can be God and not me. I’ve been living two lives for far too long and I’m done with that…I just want to be Amanda Christine…the woman who seeks God in everything she does and has nothing to hide, nothing to fear, and loves unconditionally. I know this will take time as does any journey in life, I will just need lots of prayer, support, love and guidance from those I trust and more importantly from God.

Going back to what I originally wrote that day or night two or so years ago, my prayer is now…

Grant me the peace through my sorrows…

Grant me the love through my pain…

Help me to change as I fix my mistakes…

Help me to find you through this surrender…

May I find life by not holding back…

May I find direction by being eager and able to listen…

Wow it has been a long time since I’ve written on here but it is definitely something to do when one is up at 1 am. It is crazy to think how fast 2010 has just passed us by and now a new year and is upon us. This year has been filled with joy and filled with pain, but in the midst of it all God prevailed.

I’ve never had a year or even a semester as rocky as the one I just had. But despite the tears, the frustration, the anger, the disappointment…God was still there.

It was not until 2010 that I realized what God truly wanted for me and that I had to stop trying to help others just for a moment and fix me…this was not an easy task to even try to do because of the pride and the denial that I would have a problem…but I did and it just took me a while to realize it. God knew I’d come around He just patiently waited with His arms open and waiting for His daughter to find herself and her purpose again…

As I write this, I’m listening to the song “Secrets” by OneRepublic and it says, “I’m gonna give all my secrets away…” It was this year that I finally realized that even though I thought I could hide my secrets from God, I couldn’t…I laid everything down because I was at a breaking point where only He could help me. Was it easy? Of course not…I was shaking and crying so hard as I put my pride aside, grabbed his hand and said “Here’s everything…I trust you”.

As I look to 2011 I’m overjoyed with what God has in store. Will it be easy? Probably not but I know that God will be there through the ups and downs in my life like he has been for the past 23 years and that brings me peace and joy that only He can bring. I still have a lot of healing and learning to do as I move on but I know that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!

As you look to 2011 what are the “secrets” holding you back from doing what you really want to do or who you really want to be? Don’t let them weigh you down! God can take them from you and bring a joy that is beyond all other. He took mine…he can take yours too…what are you waiting for…

I heard this song the other day on the radio and it really spoke to me. Its been a rough couple of weeks and luckily the end of the semester is in sight but its definitely going to still be long. All I need right now is Yahweh as I continue to breathe, pray, trust and smile in Him.

Lord, help me to focus on you…to never lose sight of the prize and to always be blessed to follow you. Help me to praise you in all circumstances, whether I like them or not. I love you…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9VXCCWW_hk

“Yahweh”

Gaze
I want to Gaze at you
Soak
Soak in all you do
Sit
so simply at your feet
Listen
To your voice so sweet

(Chorus)
As I simply Praise
Yahweh
My Lord I cry
Jehovah Elohim
The Lord Most High
and When my hands are raised
My Knees they fall
As I simply Praise
Jehovah

Cry
As I see your blood stains
Overwhelmed
As I see your pain
And I’ll dance, dance, dance
Because I am set free
You are my conqueror
Jehovah Nissi
And Let time Pass Away

(Chorus)

Do I believe that you’re my God
That You’re all I need That you’re all I need
Do I believe that you’ll sit down
and be crowned my king for eternity
Do I believe that you’re my God
That You’re all I need That you’re all I need
Do I believe that you’ll sit down
and be crowned my king for eternity
Do I believe that you’re my God
That You’re all I need That you’re all I need
Do I believe that you’ll sit down
and be crowned my king for eternity
So Let time Pass Away

(Chorus)

My Daddy, My Abba, My Best Friend
YAHWEH

I did it again…the one thing I didn’t want to do I did. Why is it that I push away the people that I care about most? I don’t understand it one bit. I guess in my fit of frustration I snapped and thinking it would help me, it just made things worse. I said, “leave me alone” but in girl language that means, “don’t let me push you away…pull me out of this because all I want is for you to be close.” But that’s not always understandable when you’re not a girl.

This break has already been stressful and it just started Wednesday. Working long hours, being away from family, and the one person I love most…sigh…This is going to take some of God’s strength to survive it :( God is in control and whatever he sees fit will happen.

Praying for a better day…

Lord-

I come to you tonight in tears and on my knees as I am in pain once again. Lord, you know the struggle I’ve had with this kidney stone these past 2 some weeks and I pray that you will place your hands of protection and healing on my life as I try to be as strong as I can to endure the pain. You are stronger than any other and I know that you are in control. But Lord, please, let me sleep well tonight. Without the pain, the tears, the sadness. Bring a smile to my face again and let me become the Mandi I know…the one that laughs, that smiles and that doesn’t let things like this bring her down. I feel as though my strength has left me Lord and I lift my hands up to you and ask for your strength because I can’t do this alone. Lower the stress Lord and help me to finish this semester as strong as I can. I know its not always easy Lord but give me the strength, knowledge, stamina and encouragment to know I can do this with you by my side. Lord, I love you and thank you for giving me a life to live for you. May I glorify you in all that I do and say and may I be a beacon to those around me. Help me as I go to sleep Lord, I love you.

In your precious name I pray…

Amen

“My Lips Will Praise You” Twila Paris

My lips will praise You
For You are holy
My voice will ever rise
Before Your throne
My heart will love You
For You are lovely
And You have called me
To become Your own

I am Your own
And I will worship You alone
I am Your own
I am Your child
I am Your own
And I will worship at Your throne
I am Your own
And I will love You

Tonight has been an interesting night…not because there was a lot going on, but more so just kind of feeling helpless. Have you ever been in a situation where you have friends that are going through so much that you just wish you could drop everything and help them? But the reality of the matter is, there isn’t anything you can do for multiple reasons…either a) you are hundreds, even thousands of miles away, and b) its too big for you to even handle. I hate not being able to do anything to help because its my nature…heck that’s one of the reasons why I want to be a nurse…I love helping people. Sometimes you just have to sit back and give space to people, and just pray because sometimes that’s the best thing one can do…that’s the boat I’m in tonight.

Lord,
I’m not sure what to do or say…because there really isn’t anything I can do. My hands are tied and my heart is hurting but I know you are in control. Give me guidance in everything as I finish the rest of this night. I don’t know what to do Lord, but I know you are an awesome God who will never leave me, even when I feel alone, when I feel lost, when I feel as though life has no hope. Direct my paths so they would follow you all of my days Lord. You are my Father, and the one I will follow all of the days of my life, despite the good times and the bad that this life places before me. You are my Savior and you are the one who has sacrificed yourself for me. I am a sinner Lord, but you died for me that I may be free from the bondage of sin. That I would be able to live a life for you and know that the gift of salvation and forgiveness is always on the table. Help me to be filled with your spirit, especially when I am sad and may you fill me with Joy…a joy that can only come from you. Lord, you know my heart, my mind, soul, and spirit. Please uplift me and bring a smile back to my face tonight. Dry my tears and calm my heart. Hear my cry tonight as I pray to you. I love you…Amen

Wow…a lot of emotions have gone on since about 9:30 last night until this very moment. Just when I feel on top of the world, I go and do something and feel like I’m in the lowest point I ever could be. Sigh…why God? Why? I went to work last night really not wanting to go…I knew I’d be fine once I got to work it was just the fact that I had to face going to work and getting there. Anger, frustration, sadness and lonliness all consumed me as I made my trek to work. I tried to listen to music and I heard a song on my cd that was talking about holding on even when you want to give up and break down…which I knew was a total God thing because He always knows what I’m feeling. So I did my best to push back the tears and walk into work as composed as possible to try to make the best of my night…

Working in the ER I don’t have time to think about anything else but work…which really helped me. I was able to breathe and a little bit and just get my mind off of everything. I actually was in a pretty good mood all night and really wasn’t tired, which is always my fear working night shift. You just never know how the night will be. One of my friends, Jeremy, who is a security guard where I work always asks me how I am so he and I talked a little bit. He just told me to relax and that everything was going to be ok. I didn’t really go into details about what was on my mind but I just needed to tell someone…luckily when I talked to him my mind and heart were at ease…they were just more worried than anything.

I left work at 7am feeling reguvinated and ready to hit the ground running. I had tons of energy and a huge smile on my face. I hadn’t worked out in a long time so I decided to go for a run and just get rid of some of my extra energy. My run was amazing and it was exactly what I needed. I went to the gym and lifted weights and did some lunges and then ran most of the way back to my apartment. My knee started acting up so I didn’t want to over do it.

I got back to the apartment and looked at my phone and my friend Casey had sent me a text. She’s been so sweet lately and its been nice having someone to talk to. But that was the only text I got…sigh…was kinda disappointed but just wanted to relax a little and then sleep, since I hadn’t since the day before because of work. I slept for a good 6 hours which was great…still to wake up and have no text message…again…sigh.

It was a little later than my happiness started to turn into worry and then back to square one…feeling like crap and feeling like a jerk for the person that I was. I’m tired of hurting people but it seems to be a reoccuring cycle…I guess I would never hurt the one I love the most…but then again a cycle will always repeat itself…damn…

I don’t fully understand myself sometimes and why I don’t let little things just go. Had my attitude been different last night I would have been fine and none of this would have happened. Tears wouldn’t have been shed, anger, frustration, lonliness, would have never occurred and everything would have been fine. But no, I had to go and screw things up…again…

I have a huge problem with being selfish. It doesn’t always show, but when it does, I tend to snap if its not what I want and honestly, its one of the things I would change in a heartbeat…because I hate it. I didn’t used to always be this way, but maybe because I do so much for others, sometimes I just wish people would do stuff for me. This wasn’t necessarily the case for what happened last night but it has been for other instances. The case last night was I needed that person…but they couldn’t be there…so I snapped, pushed them away, like I always do when I don’t necessarily get what I want.

Truth is, all I wanted was that person to be as close as they could with me. I miss them so much and not seeing them breaks my heart. They give me so much joy, so much peace, so much love…but when I don’t have that physically present every day, sometimes I just cry and lose it. When I rant and rave or in this instant snap, its my way of saying…tell me its ok…that we’re going to be fine…but it takes reading between the lines to figure that out…and when the other person is mad or confused…hurt or sad, that reading between the lines doesn’t always happen like it was meant to happen.

This has been the hardest choice I have had to make…being in a long-distance relationship. It has brought joy and pain, peace and sorrow, smiles and tears. Its scary to know what the future holds but I know God is in control…even though I have tons of tears cascading down my face as I write this, I know things are going to be ok…they might be rocky…they’re going to be hard…but as it says in Philippians 4:13…I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.

Satan may think he’s gotten the best of me…of us…but he’s wrong. My God…OUR God is so much stronger than this and things are going to be fine…even when I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…I know its there…its coming…eventually.

Lord,

I come to you today…broken and on my knees. I can’t do this alone. I’m hurting and I feel lost. Draw me close to you today and never let me go. Protect me from the evil one and strengthen me with a strength that only can come from you. Lord, bless this relationship and may you always…ALWAYS be the center. Even in our worst days, may we praise you for all that you have done for each of us and how truly blessed we are to have each other. Even when we don’t understand each other…Lord, help us to see you and for you to give us the understanding we need. You are a mighty God…and you are our fortress when we need refuge. Give us peace and joy once again so that we may continue to venture in this journey together…one step at a time…I love you and I thank you.

Your daughter, on her knees in prayer…

It has been quite some time since I last blogged on here and today just felt like the right time to do it. I had every intention of going to church this morning but the overwhelming fatigue and soreness from my volleyball challenge with work yesterday just pushed me over the edge. So rather than going to church, I had my own time with God…which may times, is much more powerful and focused.

I never really know where to start when I start reading so as a safe bet I always read Psalms and proverbs. I try to read the Proverb of the day (since today is the 30th, I read Proverb 30). And I started with Psalm 30 and read to 34. Lately God has been blessing me abundantly, however I feel I haven’t been giving much back to him. Its kind of like a one-sided relationship. One person gives all they have, but the other sure may be thankful, but does nothing in return to show their gratitude and may just give 50% instead of 110%. You would think that, in my case, since I am so blessed that I’d give 110% right? I would think so too…but I just haven’t. I’ve taken too much time for myself and just kind of pushed God aside or find “better” things to do than read my Bible or simply spend time with God. That needs to change and its going to change today.

Not only have the verses I’ve read today told me to move, but recently I heard a song on the radio by TobyMac called, “City On Our Knees,” which bring up the question of procrastination in our faith. Why do we hold off on serving God? Why not start now? Why not start here? It brings us back to the importance of prayer. Life is too short to let things get in the way of our purpose so why not do what we’ve been called to do and make tonight the night to make a change in ourselves and also in the world around us?

Going back to the verses I read today, the ones that stood out to me were found in Psalm 33 and 34. I love whe nI can here God speaking to me, since most of the time I’m the one doing the talking to him. Here’s what I read today…

“Let the godly sing with joy to the LORD, for it is fitting to praise him. Praise the LORD with melodies on the lyre; make music for him on the ten-stringed harp. Sing new songs of praise to him; play skillfully on the harp and sing with joy. For the word of the LORD holds true, and everything he does is worthy of our trust. He loves whatever is just and good, and his unfailing love fills the earth. The LORD merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born. he gave the sea its boundaries and locked the oceans in vast reservoirs. Let everyone in the world fear the LORD, and let everyone stand in awe of him. For when he spoke, the world began! It appeared at his command. The LORD shatters the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes. But the LORD’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken. What joy for the nation whose God is the LORD, whose people he has chosen for his own. The LORD looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his thrown he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts so he understands everything they do. The best-equipped army cannot save a king, nor a great strength eough to save a warrior. Don’t count on your warhorse to give you victory—for all its strength cannot save you. But the LORD watches over those who fear him, those who rely on his unfailng love. He rescues them from death and keeps them alive in times of famine. We depend on the LORD alone to save us. Only he can help us, protecting us like a shielf. In him our hearts rejoice, for we are trusting in his holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone.” - Psalm 33 NLT (emphasis added by me)

“I will praise the LORD at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the LORD; let all who are discouraged take heart. Come let us tell of the LORD’s greatness; let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Thos who look to him for help will be raidiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the LORD in my suffering, and he heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the LORD guards all who fear him, and he resuces them. Taste and see tha the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who trust in him! Let the LORD’s people show him reverence, for those who honor him will have all they need. Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the LORD will never lack any good thing. Come, my children, and listen to me, and I will teach you to fear the LORD. Do any of you want to live a life that is long and good? Then watch your tongue! Keep your lips from telling lies! Turn away from evil and do good. Work hard at living in peace with others. The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. But the LORD turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth. The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the LORD rescues them from each and every one. For the LORD protects them from harm—not one of their bones will be broken! Calamity will surely overtake the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be punished. But the LORD will redeem those who serve him. Everyone who trusts in him will be freely pardoned.” - Psalm 34 NLT (emphasis added by me)

God has blessed me with a wonderful man in my life, family who loves me unconditionally, and friends who have always been there for me. its time that I thank God a little more for the things I do have and for the things to come that will be placed in my life. Everything happens for a reason, I believe, and although I may not be able to see the reasoning behind it at first, I know that I will see that light eventually.

To find peace, we have to go through sorrow…

To find love, we may go through pain…

To find change, we must fix our mistakes…

To find Christ, we must surrender…

To find life, we must live without holding back…

To find direction, we must be willing to listen…

In all areas of life, we will go through experiences and even losses that seem to boggle our minds and make us question everything we believe, but these sacrifices and hardships are the things that make and shape us into a better person; the person we are today. So today, look back on your life…through the good times and bad…and see how you’ve changed. Look at both the good changes and the bad changes. Do you like who you see? What would you change? Why not start now? Why not here? Do something about it…tonight won’t last forever…

I sure hope tonight goes better than I have a feeling it will :( Confused about lots of things…needing God’s guidance and love.

What a great weekend it was spending time with my boyfriend Angelo! I love him so much and am truly blessed to have him in my life! God knows exactly who to put in our lives to make us truly happy! YAY! I’ll explain more about the weekend later!:)