Pouring My Heart Out to You

Emotions…they can be good and bad, helpful and hurtful, confusing and exciting…just depends

A good friend of mine has seen me go through a lot of these and it was his suggestion that I start a blog. I’ve always journaled but it sure has been a while when I just write down my feelings. So many times when I take the time to journal I try to catch up with whatever the last thing was that I last wrote about and seem to miss out on the emotions I was feeling with each experience. But that’s going to change now…

Lately I’ve felt alone. Sure I have friends around and lots of people that care for me and I have a God that never fails me. However its hard when all I feel is work and sleep because of the craziness of my schedule. I work night shift and all I can say is that screws up everything in that when one should normally be working, I’m sleeping and viceversa . Don’t get me wrong, I love my job so much, although it is stressful at times. I work in the ER at the hospital near my school and I love being able to help people…even if its just through little things like a hug, a smile, a prayer…sometimes its hard though…I feel like as the nurse I take care of so many people, but who takes care of me?

Since the hospital that I work at is away from home, I have my own apartment and bills to pay. I’m still a student and its hard having to work and pay bills and be an adult when all I want to be is a college student still…its made me have to really watch money and because of that and the hours I work its hard to do stuff for me, when I want to do stuff…there isn’t always someone to do that stuff with or I have to watch my money so I can’t. I finally see the stresses that my parents have so often hid because they didn’t want my brother and I to see it and in return stress us out. I work so hard but all my money goes to bills and the rent on the apartment. Its frustrating doing it all by myself because my roommate was going to help out over the summer a little bit but now she’s not and I’m feeling the burden of it all…but we’re not going to go there.

So what’s the real point of this blog…other than me venting…haha The hardest thing for me this summer is finding time to spend with girls. I have lots of guy friends because for me its just easier, they are easy to talk to and I’m a tomboy at heart, even though I may not always seem to fit in that category. There really aren’t a lot of girls around here at the moment but I know more will come once school starts back up and the normal girls I hang out with will come back.

I’ve always wanted to be one of those girls that has tons of friends and does stuff with just girls…but for me, around those crucial years I’ve always dated someone and there friends become my friends…most of which are guys. That’s not always a bad thing but at the same time its not always a good thing. However, I’m dating a wonderful guy at the moment named Angelo and he lives in Florida while I live in Indiana. So as hard as it is not to see him and be with him, this has allowed me the opportunity to strengthen relationships with those girls I may have neglected in the past and make new ones. I have made a lot of new friends that are girls, especially this past year…its just hard when I have those friendships but due to distance, lack of money and even time, I can’t grow those the way I want…if that makes any sense.

I’ve been trying to do this my way too long and I know that God laughs when man tries to plan because it just never works out. So as I close this blog, I lift my hands up to you, God, and I give it to you. I need your strength, wisdom, power, love, protection, warmth, embrace, everything. May you place those people in my life that will help me not hurt me, strengthen me not hinder me, encourage me not put me down. Lord, I thank you for this wonderful tool you’ve allowed me to use and I pray you will continue to help me through it.