Pouring My Heart Out to You

Have you ever reread stuff you’ve written and thought, “I thought of that?” or “I wrote that?” I was rereading some of the blogs I’d written on here years ago and one thing stuck out to me. It was exactly what I needed to read and it was almost as if I’d written it to myself knowing I’d need it in the future. Here’s what I had written…

To find peace, we have to go through sorrow…

To find love, we may go through pain…

To find change, we must fix our mistakes…

To find Christ, we must surrender…

To find life, we must live without holding back…

To find direction, we must be willing to listen…

Every sentence is exactly what I needed to hear and its exactly what I’m struggling with.

The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions, lack of direction and a misguided sense of love and what it is to me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in these past few months that I’d rather say I didn’t do, but as we all know you can’t go back and change what’s been done…you can only move on and make changes so that you don’t repeat them.

During these past months I’ve realized how rather than running to God, the one person who loves me more than anything, I ran to people who I thought would “love” me only to be disappointed, hurt and hurt others in the process. It wasn’t until an anxiety attack I had at 3 am this morning for God to pull so tight on my heart strings to collapse into His arms and fully surrender. As I was reading my devotional the first line said, “I WANT YOU TO BE ALL MINE.” I don’t think God could have made that any clearer. It was as if I could finally see what I needed; as if my eyes had been reopened; as if time had stopped in that very moment just so I could read that. I stared at that line for a while before continuing to read, but as I continued to read, that line kept playing over in my head. It was finally time…not just surrender part of me or everything except this one thing because it was my secret…but fully surrendering leaving nothing behind and becoming completely broken. This means starting counseling again, finding an accountability partner, and not giving in to the temptations I know I continually rationalize with myself on; to let go and let God be my center, not people.

I feel very weak at this moment but I’d rather feel weak and be completely honest with myself and others than pretend to be strong and be fake. I’m only human, and a lot of times I try not to be…I try to be more. But I know the more human I am, the more God can be God and not me. I’ve been living two lives for far too long and I’m done with that…I just want to be Amanda Christine…the woman who seeks God in everything she does and has nothing to hide, nothing to fear, and loves unconditionally. I know this will take time as does any journey in life, I will just need lots of prayer, support, love and guidance from those I trust and more importantly from God.

Going back to what I originally wrote that day or night two or so years ago, my prayer is now…

Grant me the peace through my sorrows…

Grant me the love through my pain…

Help me to change as I fix my mistakes…

Help me to find you through this surrender…

May I find life by not holding back…

May I find direction by being eager and able to listen…