Pouring My Heart Out to You

Wow…a lot of emotions have gone on since about 9:30 last night until this very moment. Just when I feel on top of the world, I go and do something and feel like I’m in the lowest point I ever could be. Sigh…why God? Why? I went to work last night really not wanting to go…I knew I’d be fine once I got to work it was just the fact that I had to face going to work and getting there. Anger, frustration, sadness and lonliness all consumed me as I made my trek to work. I tried to listen to music and I heard a song on my cd that was talking about holding on even when you want to give up and break down…which I knew was a total God thing because He always knows what I’m feeling. So I did my best to push back the tears and walk into work as composed as possible to try to make the best of my night…

Working in the ER I don’t have time to think about anything else but work…which really helped me. I was able to breathe and a little bit and just get my mind off of everything. I actually was in a pretty good mood all night and really wasn’t tired, which is always my fear working night shift. You just never know how the night will be. One of my friends, Jeremy, who is a security guard where I work always asks me how I am so he and I talked a little bit. He just told me to relax and that everything was going to be ok. I didn’t really go into details about what was on my mind but I just needed to tell someone…luckily when I talked to him my mind and heart were at ease…they were just more worried than anything.

I left work at 7am feeling reguvinated and ready to hit the ground running. I had tons of energy and a huge smile on my face. I hadn’t worked out in a long time so I decided to go for a run and just get rid of some of my extra energy. My run was amazing and it was exactly what I needed. I went to the gym and lifted weights and did some lunges and then ran most of the way back to my apartment. My knee started acting up so I didn’t want to over do it.

I got back to the apartment and looked at my phone and my friend Casey had sent me a text. She’s been so sweet lately and its been nice having someone to talk to. But that was the only text I got…sigh…was kinda disappointed but just wanted to relax a little and then sleep, since I hadn’t since the day before because of work. I slept for a good 6 hours which was great…still to wake up and have no text message…again…sigh.

It was a little later than my happiness started to turn into worry and then back to square one…feeling like crap and feeling like a jerk for the person that I was. I’m tired of hurting people but it seems to be a reoccuring cycle…I guess I would never hurt the one I love the most…but then again a cycle will always repeat itself…damn…

I don’t fully understand myself sometimes and why I don’t let little things just go. Had my attitude been different last night I would have been fine and none of this would have happened. Tears wouldn’t have been shed, anger, frustration, lonliness, would have never occurred and everything would have been fine. But no, I had to go and screw things up…again…

I have a huge problem with being selfish. It doesn’t always show, but when it does, I tend to snap if its not what I want and honestly, its one of the things I would change in a heartbeat…because I hate it. I didn’t used to always be this way, but maybe because I do so much for others, sometimes I just wish people would do stuff for me. This wasn’t necessarily the case for what happened last night but it has been for other instances. The case last night was I needed that person…but they couldn’t be there…so I snapped, pushed them away, like I always do when I don’t necessarily get what I want.

Truth is, all I wanted was that person to be as close as they could with me. I miss them so much and not seeing them breaks my heart. They give me so much joy, so much peace, so much love…but when I don’t have that physically present every day, sometimes I just cry and lose it. When I rant and rave or in this instant snap, its my way of saying…tell me its ok…that we’re going to be fine…but it takes reading between the lines to figure that out…and when the other person is mad or confused…hurt or sad, that reading between the lines doesn’t always happen like it was meant to happen.

This has been the hardest choice I have had to make…being in a long-distance relationship. It has brought joy and pain, peace and sorrow, smiles and tears. Its scary to know what the future holds but I know God is in control…even though I have tons of tears cascading down my face as I write this, I know things are going to be ok…they might be rocky…they’re going to be hard…but as it says in Philippians 4:13…I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.

Satan may think he’s gotten the best of me…of us…but he’s wrong. My God…OUR God is so much stronger than this and things are going to be fine…even when I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…I know its there…its coming…eventually.

Lord,

I come to you today…broken and on my knees. I can’t do this alone. I’m hurting and I feel lost. Draw me close to you today and never let me go. Protect me from the evil one and strengthen me with a strength that only can come from you. Lord, bless this relationship and may you always…ALWAYS be the center. Even in our worst days, may we praise you for all that you have done for each of us and how truly blessed we are to have each other. Even when we don’t understand each other…Lord, help us to see you and for you to give us the understanding we need. You are a mighty God…and you are our fortress when we need refuge. Give us peace and joy once again so that we may continue to venture in this journey together…one step at a time…I love you and I thank you.

Your daughter, on her knees in prayer…